Paul’s Neighborhood

Tommorow is D day, or rather shall we call it labour day. I am being induced in the morning so by tommorow afternoon or evening at the latest I will be a mother to a bundle of joy!!! But of course to every happiness in step families there is a down side... dear step daughter is with us again this weekend. I will get out of hospital probably on Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning to a welcoming of an over excited big sister and all I honestly dont want her here. No, I do want her here, or maybe I dont. I am so confused.

On one hand I dont want to have her hovering around while I am trying to settle into a routine of my first baby, apparently she is sick again and took off school on Tuesday so I dont want her breathing all over her new brother, I dont want her here because she was so naughty this last weekend past. I dont want her here because I need my husbands undivided attention and she wont let him give that to me if she is here.

I do want her here because if I was in her shoes and I was told that my step mother had a baby and now I cant go and visit I would feel like I was being replaced and rejected. I have sort of, in a round about way told husband how I feel and he is in total agreement but his reasoning is that I will only be home on Sunday and we will have loads of visitors. In my mind this will make her more prone to showing off and wanting to hold HER brother all the time. I dont want her fiddling with him when he is so young.

Really dont know what to do here.

On Thursday, Jared dropped her off after dinner as usual and her step father, for no apparent reason, told Jared that her mother was asleep and she would probably only be awake on Friday to tell her something that Jared had asked. Apparently this happened when she was going through her "dark stages" as she is border line bi polar. So I braced myself for this weekend because I knew that little one would smother me like a leech because she hasnt got any attention from her mother.

And I was right - Friday, she wouldnt leave me alone for one second and Jared, as usual, cocooned into himself. When I confronted him after she went to bed he told me that this is the last weekend we will have her for the next month as they are going to the coast for two weeks, among other things. I told him to catch a wake up and instead of cocooning to make the best of every minute with her. He is still finding things to do when she is here and this weekend took the cake. We have employed a full time helper and needed to find her a room, so that she can live close to us when the baby arrives - his parents have offered us the room that they have and he has decided that he has to rewire the place from top to toe. So off he went yesterday afternoon, leaving 37 weeks pregnant me to look after his daughter - dont mind but come on - what happened to "make every second count". Thank goodness for my wonderful neighbour who saw that I was alone and took her off my hands for a couple of hours, insisted I put my feet up and have a rest. It was bliss - I slept and watched TV for most of the afternoon. He only got home after dark but I said nothing.

This morning he went off again but I told him to take his daughter with him. I have things to do, I need to clean house, I need to go shopping and I dont want to stress out all over her. Its just not fair. They will be back in an hour or so because our baby shower is this afternoon - I am really looking forward to it.

I feel helpless, totally alone and terrified.

On Saturday night my friend's father had a heart attack and on Monday were were told that he was stable and that he was going to be okay (or so i thought). We didnt hear from her or her husband on Tuesday and by 11 pm we were beside ourselves with worry. Jared didnt want to phone the hospital because Ray was in ICU and didnt think that we would be given any information. I said I would try anyway and I did. I spoke to a lovely Sister who told me that there was major deterioration in his condition but she was not at liberty to give me any more information. I got off the phone feeling both relieved that he hadnt passed away and we didnt know and completely deflated that he went from stable to critical within a matter of hours. This morning Jared got a phone call to say that they were taking him off life support. We have heard nothing since and are both waiting for the phone too ring.

I got home tonight to a message on my phone to tell me that my bump buddy in the UK who is 35 weeks pregnant is bleeding and has cramps and is off to the hospital. I am scared and worried for her too although I keep telling myself that if baby is 35 weeks then everything is going to be okay. This wonderful amazing girl has seen me through my pregnancy since I was three months (we are due a week apart). And I feel so completely helpless because I want to jump on an aeroplane to the UK so that I can hold her hand and comfort her through this horrible ordeal

Please pray for Ray and my beautiful Bump Buddy

Will keep you posted

Every Thursday night her granny fetches her from school and she spends the afternoon with her and then Jared and I go for dinner. I only go every second week because she needs to spend some quality time with her dad alone. She is not with us this weekend but I really dont feel like going for dinner. Not that I dont want to see her - I dont want to see his parents, I dont want to take the long drive back to drop her off and to be perfectly honest, dont really feel like her bouncing up and down around me when I really dont feel well. So I have made my excuses and am not going. Now I feel really really guilty but there is nothing I can do.

7 and a half months pregnant is proving to be really difficult. I am tired from lack of sleep, I having shooting pains up and down my legs, I have heart burn and I dont feel like doing anything. Last night was the first very serious Braxton Hicks I have experienced and honestly it scared the genjangas out of me. My loving husband pretty much ignored me and told me to lie down and just relax - RELAX!!! HELLO!!! RELAX!!! If this is only braxton hicks then how the hell am I going to cope with actual real labour pains.

Six weeks to go and I am going to be a real mommy - excited YES, scared - TERRIFIED

This weekend is what i would classify a good weekend. As I thought, she cam screeching in to my house rambling off some nonsense to her father but came straight to me with a picture that she drew just for me. I was really touched and it even had my name on it.

Friday started out as leech on me but it slowly got better and she played pretty independently for the rest of the weekend. She was well behaved to a point but started to get whiney when she got back from her friend on Saturday night.

She has some kind of an ache or pain everytime she comes to visit, this weekend she chose her teeth. Apparently, I was exactly the same when I was her age and my mother reckons that this is definitely a stage that all kids go through. So on Saturday night she couldnt eat anything because her teeth were so so sore and then daddy gave her medicine and 5 minutes later at 21:30 she was starving. I refused to make dinner for her, I am also exhausted but told her father to give her a naartjie and a banana and send her to bed. She was fine with that and ate well today (Sunday). Funny that a mild pain killer can take pain away permanently.

I am an emotional wreck, this morning I woke up in tears; the reason; I feel unloved and uncared for. I am seven months pregnant and I feel that my husband doesnt love me anymore. I cried solidly for an hour and tired myself out completely. I confronted him later and asked him if he still loves me, and being who he is, my dry sense of humour husband, tells me he hates me - at that I burst into tears again. I know that I need to take into account his ex wife, I think that when she was pregnant she shut him out completely. He needs to come to terms with the fact that I want him to be involved in every moment of my pregnancy and to feel the baby move every single time. But he seems to have shut me out - he always seems to have something to do when we are alone together. He has gone out now, but I am going insist we watch a movie or something just now, just the two of us. Popcorn and chocolate will hopefully do the trick.

I am off to go and do the laundry now and to run the dishwasher and do some general cleaning - when will it ever end!

So Friday has rolled around again and poked its ugly face.... I am feeling irritated, annoyed and frustrated. I had a great day at work, reached my targets and was even given the afternoon off. So I phone my husband, Jared, to tell him the great news and he tells me thats nice and then goes on about how terrible a day he is having and after a 30 minute rant he says "but I am glad you had a good day" - well thanks darling, you just ruined it.

Now its 5:09 pm and I am waiting for him and Christine to get home and then the weekend begins. Here is what I can see in my head so far:

Christine comes screeching into the house - no hello or anything, just screeches in while rambiling some non sensical shit to her father. Her father, who is already irritated with the traffic, will ignore the non sensical bullshit and his wife and walk into the study to put all his bags and things down. He will then walk into her room and clear her bed and have a non sensical conversation with her. Then he will come into the kitchen/bedroom to greet me and then tell me he has to go to the toilet (this is very much the norm when he gets home every night). He will then beetle off to the toilet for an hour while Christine finally runs into the kitchen, gives me a huge hug and asks what the plans for the weekend are and when can she:

i)  Play with Claire

ii) Do her sandart (which has been in my cupboard for months)

iii) Play on the Wii

iv) Play with her cousins

Once she is satisfied with the answers she has received she will either retreat back into her room or ask if she can watch TV or she will hang around me (if its leech onto me weekend) until I tell her to go and do something with herself.

We will then go to my parents for dinner and she will hopefully fall asleep there.

Truth to follow:

CONFESSIONS OF A STEP MOTHER

I love my step daughter, I cant say I love her like my own because I dont know what its like to love my own. I will know how much I love my own when he is born in two months time, but I can safely say I love Christine as much as I love my husband, just differently.

Sometimes its hard to be a step mother; its hard because there are major boundries between a step mother and step child, there are fears and there are hates, there is routine and then their isnt, there are rules and then their isnt, there is discipline and then there isnt so life becomes confusing not only for the child for the step parent as well.

I have tried to structure my life and get used to the fact that every second weekend my life is turned into a blazing ball of chaos. Every second week I mentally prepare myself that its that time of the week and she will be with us and that everything will work out fine but normal thoughts run through my mind – is she going to be sick (again), is she going to be good or naughty, is she going to hate me or love me, is she going to be with her dad the whole weekend or is she going to leech to me. Has her mom ignored her this week and am I in a mental state to deal with her.

I have decided to start this blog because:

1. I am sure there are loads of step mothers who feel the same and dont know how to express their feelings.

2. I need to express MY feelings, thoughts, angers and love

I know that her mother loves her, that she gives her attention and cares for her deeply. What I dont know is what is happening when she is not with me and her father. She has two other siblings and I often wonder, as the middle child, if she is constantly fighting for her mother's attention.

Every second week I shall write an entry on her behaviour and note the change (if any) in her attitude and therefore be able to clarify in my mind any patterns in her moods, etc. I will also note my husband's change in behaviour between her visits and during her visits so that I can clearly monitor his change in attitude (and its very distinctly different).

I am quickly going to recap one aspect of her behaviour that has really disturbed me, and honestly, I havent gotten over it.

She went through a stage of biting and kicking a couple of months ago, we put it down to a phase and it did stop. She has a close friend (lets call her Claire) nearby where we live and the two of them are like sisters. So I was very surprised when Claire's mother phoned me and told me to come and fetch Christine straight away as she had attacked her daughter!!! Apparently Christine attacked Claire and bit, kicked, and punched her. I went ballistic, I ranted and screamed and carried on like a fish wife, I know it was wrong but my temper took over. What if she harms my child, I wouldnt be able to control anything then and that scares me. After loads of coaxing and prodding after I had calmed down she told me that SHE was being bullied at school and burst into tears. I asked her who, I asked her when, I asked her if she had told her teacher. She answered everything and told me that she had told her teacher. I promptly phoned her mother, who told me she would keep any eye and have a chat to the teacher herself. I told Christine this and off she went to bed.

On Sunday I spoke to her about the consequences of lying and asked her if she was sure she was being bullied because if it was a lie she could get the bully into serious trouble for no reason and she would be in trouble for lying. She said it was all true. About 45 minutes later, I was making lunch and she came to me and said that what she had told me was a lie and that she wasnt being bullied, she just didnt like the girl in her class and wanted to get her into trouble. I was angry, but this time I kept my cool. Once again I told her the consequences of lying and how she could have done some serious damage to other peoples lives.

Later that night, after she had left, I did some research on kids and lying and apparently this is a normal phase, BUT there is a difference between lying, stretching the truth and telling tall stories. They say that most of the time an adult will be able to tell the difference between stretching the truth, lying and a tall story. I chatted to my mother about this and she said that I will know from body language if my own child is lying. A favourite story, which is obviously stretched or tall is that she went to school and the teacher told them to collect leaves and put them in the classroom..... they all made a huge pile of leaves, there were millions and millions, and then the teacher said that they must jump on them. When asking who cleaned up the leaves after they had finished she looked at me blankly..... I knew it was a tall story and wanted to know how far she had thought. I was amused. Anyway, what I am trying to get at is that a streched or tall story does not hurt anybody, it does not poke fun at anybody and it is really sweet.

What does worry me is that this gorgeous six year old maliciously lied about a classmate and I believed her. I am sure once my own child arrives I would have learnt a lot from these experiences but in the meantime I am totally clueless.

We have started construction on our baja bug for 2008 with our team strong and our minds working overtime we are creating our machine that will hopefully take us to victory! more information will be coming soon as well as photos and hopefuly some vids too.....

Well, its official.  WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

We went for our 12 week scan yesterday.  It was awesome.  The Sprout was moving about and waving its hand.

Paul and I have started a blog called The Diary of Sprout, as a way of chronicling our journey through pregnancy and raising our Sprout.  Take a gander if you can, we have posted a video of our 12 week scan on the site.